Why is it so hard now? Why I seem unable to share my problems anymore? Am I afraid that sharing might impose a problem on them? Do I fear that they may think otherwise and make me feel even more vexed than what I am have feeling now?
It is because I know that they do not have the attention on me or have the mood to care so much anymore? Does this mean growing up? Do I have to grow up this way? Or I think nobody can advise anything useful now?
Am I now a worthy adult that require nobody’s worry now, finally, that everybody expects and wants me to be? But how come I feel no happiness from it? I cant seem to speak about it. I feel changes coming from inside of me I dislike it but I cant prevent it from coming. I hope I can. I wish I can.
Now I choose to rather deal with problems myself and making myself miserable. Why is this so? I hate it. I feel sorrow and pathetic crawling within me. I try to dig it out but I cant.
Those days of grumbling that make me feel better seems far away. Is it because of the reaction that I get and that is why I choose not to say anything anymore? Why do I have to change? I thought I loathe changes?
I choose not to speak of myself anymore. I choose to live my life quietly. I choose to depend on myself. I choose to stop depend on people around me. I choose to not speak of my problems. I choose to stop talking. I choose to work because of work. I choose to disregard people’s negligence. I choose not to study. I choose to let them have a better life. I choose not to bother people. I choose to make myself feel miserable. I choose to envy other people. I choose to worry for my friends. I choose to neglect myself. I choose to ignore my problems. I choose to not to express myself to anyone. I choose to … I think there will be a lot more of ‘ I choose to… ‘ nobody seems to care.
Do I have to continue my job? Am I really into sale and purchase of apartments? Oh yes right I need the money. But the money is not that great though. I thought things will be better than my previous job but yeah, this job is more challenging but the pay is the same. After probation I do not think it will raise that much too. Seeing the job scope and responsibilities I have to bear. I wonder what time will I reach home everyday… It is scary when I just finish two weeks there and I got to deal with a new client case by myself. Maybe I have no interest (that is my reason), maybe I am a coward (that is what they will say to me), maybe I fearful of new things.
I realise I cant feel security in any places. I have to grab my personal things and I do not even trust anybody for my belongings. I do not put any personal things at my desk and I bring back everything that I brought to work. I rather my bag to be as heavy as ever but I wont leave it there. I am feeling insecurity. They will say it is like that, it is because you have not get used to the new place. They are like all those people who always have the typical answers to everything in life. I think I can think of these answers myself and I rather say nothing. Ha. I found another reason for my change.
All I can do is to inform on what is happening and that is all. End of story. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Why I can only convey myself through words here? It is because it is easier? And nobody can steal my own space’s attention?
Why cant I improve anything in my life? Why do I have to subject to other people expectations? Why do people have to relate to one another?
What am I doing to myself? What is happening? I see changes in me and I do not like, I afraid I maybe making things worse. I am surprise to see so much changes in just one month.
What is the point in life?
I cant sleep. I cant sleep. I am tired but I cant sleep.
Friday, December 01, 2006
